Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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