In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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