don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
