good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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