we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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