Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
