your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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