I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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