dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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