hotel room ftw
actually, I'm a sock model
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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