Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
