I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
