My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
They are going to name an STD after you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
