got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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