I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
