just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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