There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
