At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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