my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
