My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The best revenge is premature balding
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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