Barsexuality is the new black.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Randomize
