just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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