I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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