we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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