Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
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Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
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I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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