I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
