If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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