I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
