did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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