We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
