she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
