I think my fart just growled at me.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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