please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
