I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
