Your face is a jimmy john
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
