Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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