I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
