I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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