it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
