I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
