quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
