Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
