My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
