If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
