i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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