he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
