My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
where are my eyebrows?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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