Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
