im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
