I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
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so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
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If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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