It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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