everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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