saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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