i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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