if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
