Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
