There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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