I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You know, be my cock's hype man.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
