Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
